This inserts will be....explaining my broken mind.
And something inside me just..broke..That's the only way I could describe
it. I tried to locate in the farthest depths of my unconscious precisely what had broken down, it was my lack of faith.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to wake us up and help us to see in ourselves what others see.
When you're spirit is destroyed, then you're conquered. It can only happens when all hope dies and trust in the future 🔮 (uncertained) languish. What if I wanted to destroy my spirit... Subduing my spirit, for what?
The person who tries to live alone will not succeed (debatable) as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart ♥. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts (God's thoughts) and finds no other inspiration.
The agony of emotional paralysis, the desperation for an unknown something without the slightest idea of what that might be, and the ever-present need for everything to stop. Beyond stop- to be forgotten entirely. To disappear.
I don't want to talk, I don't want to smile. I don't want to listen. I am sick and tired of speaking, of explaining.
(There were a lot of days like those )
If life wasn't going our way, we easily ignored the culpability of humans and threw the blame right back to God.
There is no harsher critic of myself than myself. So I don't need to worry about anyone else.
Being a loner was not about hate, but the need. I needed what others dreaded. I dreaded what others needed. Yet, in order not to hate people, I avoided their company.
My undignified behavior spoked volumes. It was actually nothing too talked about. ( no one listened). I am taking ownership of my behaviour. I need to own it and become responsible so God can set me free from it...
If I am to judge, it will always be over myself, no other individuals mentioned on this page or blog will not be scrutinised by me, I was a nobody, still is. If you feel offended, then don't read it.
If I am to judge, it will always be over myself, no other individuals mentioned on this page or blog will not be scrutinised by me, I was a nobody, still is. If you feel offended, then don't read it.
Use your fear as a refuge from the world, a way to escape engagements with other people or to avoid dealing with particular traumatic personal experiences. There is a perverse comfort in isolation.
Creating my own hell, tormenting myself with guilt. quarrelling with myself, guilt issues, no self confidence, criticising the need to exist. (to be alive)
Creating my own hell, tormenting myself with guilt. quarrelling with myself, guilt issues, no self confidence, criticising the need to exist. (to be alive)
Killing yourself slowly is still killing yourself. The worrying thing is that I was well aware of my slide (nice word) , but didn't seem to want, or be able to do anything to help it.
Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me. (no one talks). Because in that moment, I don't (need to) exist.
You don't understand depression until you can't stand your own presence in an empty room.
When you know who matters most to you, giving things up, even yourself, doesn't really feel like a sacrifice.
I was not heartless, I have just learned to use my heart less.
I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.
Thursday 20 th December 2018. I am human. Look to God, I wont be dissapointed. Dont ever rely on persons. I despised people, and I had to pretend I didn't if I wanted to change their mind about me. I refused to be something I was not, just to prove them wrong.
When you know who matters most to you, giving things up, even yourself, doesn't really feel like a sacrifice.
I was not heartless, I have just learned to use my heart less.
I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.
Thursday 20 th December 2018. I am human. Look to God, I wont be dissapointed. Dont ever rely on persons. I despised people, and I had to pretend I didn't if I wanted to change their mind about me. I refused to be something I was not, just to prove them wrong.
Your will(desire) to live can sustain you, but if you loose it, your last hope is gone.
The spiritual pain of everyday made me see the world in a different way. That pain made me dead inside and, if I wasn't dead already., I was certainly dying. When I had to focus on the pain for so long, it stole my ability to felt anything else.
It robbed me of reason and logic.
I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so I made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe 🌌 (God) and sometimes with my own insignificant self.
By isolating myself I avoided finding evidence in the outside world that proved how I saw myself was the absolute truth.
Denial is a wonderful thing. You can survive forever if you can just say " no"
I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other.
I
have to excuse myself from the presence of shallow and callow minded
individuals.
( That should include the whole race of humans.)
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
(
la
locura está hacienda lo mismo- insanity is doing the same thing)
( That should include the whole race of humans.)
Anybody can look at you. It's quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see.
It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time- the mind protecting it's sanity- covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.
A man's vanity is more fragile that you might think. It's easy for us to mistake shyness for coldness, and silence for indifference.
Fear (madness) has such strong effects on the human body. it keeps you at a pitch of consentration while danger is in front of you, and then send you into a carefree mode afterwords.
It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time- the mind protecting it's sanity- covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.
A man's vanity is more fragile that you might think. It's easy for us to mistake shyness for coldness, and silence for indifference.
Fear (madness) has such strong effects on the human body. it keeps you at a pitch of consentration while danger is in front of you, and then send you into a carefree mode afterwords.
It was the will, perhaps, rather than the power to go on living, that I lacked. The zest had gone out of my life. My life was in decay.
My heart has no brain 🧠. My brain has no heart ♥. That's why when I speak my mind I seemed heartless and when I do what's in my heart I seem thoughtless.
I promptly abandoned myself. Rather than practising self-care, I relapsed into shame. I was ashamed of feeling ashamed.
All I wanted was to live where I could be me, and be okay with that. I had no need for material possessions, money or even close friends with me on the journey. I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seemed to understand me very well either. To be of good quality (in my view), I had to excuse myself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals
The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma. Either way you are going through hell, if you keep it quiet nobody will know ( maybe after you killed yourself), and if you proclaimed it too the world
people will still label you as a.....crazy person. People are so full of shit...
Some of our fiercest battles are faught and won in silence.
Below a certain point, if you keep to quiet 🤫, people no longer see you as thoughtful or deep, they simply forget you.
I promptly abandoned myself. Rather than practising self-care, I relapsed into shame. I was ashamed of feeling ashamed.
Broken and
wounded people absolutely cannot recover until they unload the quilt
and shame they carry
It just occurred toe that many people are actually afraid 😨 to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying.
I lived in defeat and depression. I needed to take advantage of my redemption. I did not needed to struggle. I must have prayed more to God to forgave my heart's attitude.
( The original sentence was written in the present tense)
My life was just one constant battle between wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. Sometimes silence 🤫 is the best therapy for the broken soul.
I am not listening to people anymore, so they can lie anymore. ( I love that sentence)
The most dangerous person...is an idiot with a bible under his arm....and ironically now I am looking for answers in the bible, now that I am going to Die. I should have taken that this path a long time ago, but no, my ego was to big...pigheadeness, stupid fool.
Looking at all the different evangelical criteria on the television, I am dumbstruck to see how naive people can be, one of this evengelist (Lamb) guarantee if you give a pledge of one thousand dollars they will send a blessing prayer to you or your company so that you and your company will prosper financially. So, you can buy prosperity through prayer.
I lived in defeat and depression. I needed to take advantage of my redemption. I did not needed to struggle. I must have prayed more to God to forgave my heart's attitude.
( The original sentence was written in the present tense)
My life was just one constant battle between wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. Sometimes silence 🤫 is the best therapy for the broken soul.
I am not listening to people anymore, so they can lie anymore. ( I love that sentence)
The most dangerous person...is an idiot with a bible under his arm....and ironically now I am looking for answers in the bible, now that I am going to Die. I should have taken that this path a long time ago, but no, my ego was to big...pigheadeness, stupid fool.
Looking at all the different evangelical criteria on the television, I am dumbstruck to see how naive people can be, one of this evengelist (Lamb) guarantee if you give a pledge of one thousand dollars they will send a blessing prayer to you or your company so that you and your company will prosper financially. So, you can buy prosperity through prayer.
My emotions was buried so deep that they were more of an echo, a memory, a diluted idea of what I should have been feeling, but some wonderful, horrible place in my brain 🧠 protected me from thehe full force.
All I wanted was to live where I could be me, and be okay with that. I had no need for material possessions, money or even close friends with me on the journey. I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seemed to understand me very well either. To be of good quality (in my view), I had to excuse myself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals
The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma. Either way you are going through hell, if you keep it quiet nobody will know ( maybe after you killed yourself), and if you proclaimed it too the world
To
live is to suffer,to find meaning
in life is to find meaning in suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying.
What matters above all is the attitude we take towards suffering, the
attitude in which we take our suffering upon ourselves.
Some of our fiercest battles are faught and won in silence.
Below a certain point, if you keep to quiet 🤫, people no longer see you as thoughtful or deep, they simply forget you.
I
am trying to fix my mind…. how to fix a broken mind.
My
emotional health…..
Still struggling with this format, especially the fonts sizes giving me crap, in the editing it is fine, but as soon as I see the posts after editing and the update version everything is then up to sh@t.
Still struggling with this format, especially the fonts sizes giving me crap, in the editing it is fine, but as soon as I see the posts after editing and the update version everything is then up to sh@t.
There comes a point where you no longer care if there's a light at the tunnel or not. You're are just sick of the tunnel.
When people sustain multiple emotional shock they might become "dead inside". Dead inside basically means when you don't feel any good emotions like empathy, sympathy, love, happiness, joy, and all that good stuff. Persons that are dead inside often have a blank stare, they rarely if at all smile, they are very truthful and often they dont care about people's emotions, or they dont realize that what they are saying is hurting someone's feelings.
When people sustain multiple emotional shock they might become "dead inside". Dead inside basically means when you don't feel any good emotions like empathy, sympathy, love, happiness, joy, and all that good stuff. Persons that are dead inside often have a blank stare, they rarely if at all smile, they are very truthful and often they dont care about people's emotions, or they dont realize that what they are saying is hurting someone's feelings.
But humanity ( if any) is slowly, albeit painfully slowly, starting to realize that the lot of bad things that happens to us, do not actually happens to us, they are just things that happens. Emotions, thoughts, and feelings. They are what make life so damn hard.
For you cannot create who you are, until you forget who you are.
For you cannot create who you are, until you forget who you are.
