2 November 2022, Woensdag S6 Week 44 - Formasiereis

💔 Broken

This inserts will be....explaining my broken mind. 

And something inside me just..broke..That's the only way I could describe it. I tried to locate in the farthest depths of my unconscious precisely what had broken down, it was my lack of faith. 

Sometimes it takes a crisis to wake us up and help us to see in ourselves what others see. 

When you're spirit is destroyed, then you're conquered. It can only happens when all hope dies and trust in the future 🔮 (uncertained) languish. What if I wanted to destroy my spirit... Subduing my spirit, for what? 

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed (debatable) as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart ♥. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts (God's thoughts) and finds no other inspiration. 

The agony of emotional paralysis, the desperation for an unknown something without the slightest idea of what that might be, and the ever-present need for everything to stop. Beyond stop- to be forgotten entirely. To disappear.   

I don't want to talk, I don't want to smile. I don't want to listen. I am sick and tired of speaking, of explaining. 

(There were a lot of days like those ) 

If life wasn't going our way, we easily ignored the culpability of humans and threw the blame right back to God. 

There is no harsher critic of myself than myself. So I don't need to worry about anyone else. 

Being a loner was not about hate, but the need. I needed what others dreaded. I dreaded what others needed. Yet, in order not to hate people, I avoided their company. 

My undignified behavior spoked volumes. It was actually nothing too talked about. ( no one listened).          I am taking ownership of my behaviour. I need to own it and become responsible so God can set me free from it... 


If I am to judge, it will always be over myself, no other individuals mentioned on this page or blog will not be scrutinised by me, I was a nobody, still is. If you feel offended, then don't read it. 

Use your fear as a refuge from the world, a way to escape engagements with other people or to avoid dealing with particular traumatic personal experiences. There is a perverse comfort in isolation. 

Creating my own hell, tormenting myself with guilt.  quarrelling with myself, guilt issues, no self confidence,  criticising the need to exist. (to be alive)

Killing yourself slowly is still killing yourself. The worrying thing is that I was well aware of my slide            (nice word) , but didn't seem to want, or be able to do anything to help it. 

Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me. (no one talks). Because in that moment, I don't (need to) exist.  

You don't understand depression until you can't stand your own presence in an empty room. 

When you know who matters most to you, giving things up, even yourself, doesn't really feel like a sacrifice. 
I was not heartless, I have just learned to use my heart less.

I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.

Thursday 20 th December 2018. I am human. Look to God, I wont be dissapointed. Dont ever rely on persons. I despised people, and I had to pretend I didn't if I wanted to change their mind about me.                I refused to be something I was not, just to prove them wrong.

 

Your will(desire) to live can sustain you, but if you loose it, your last hope is gone. 

The spiritual pain of everyday made me see the world in a different way. That pain made me dead inside and, if I wasn't dead already., I was certainly dying. When I had to focus on the pain for so long, it stole my ability to felt anything else.

It robbed me of reason and logic. 

I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so I made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe 🌌 (God) and sometimes with my own insignificant self. 
By isolating myself  I avoided finding evidence in the outside world that proved how I saw myself was the absolute truth. 

Denial is a wonderful thing. You can survive forever if you can just say       " no" 

I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other. 

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

( la locura está hacienda lo mismo-  insanity is doing the same thing)

I have to excuse myself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals.
( That should include the whole race of humans.) 

Anybody can look at you. It's quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see. 

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time- the mind protecting it's sanity- covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.

A man's vanity is more fragile that you might think. It's easy for us to mistake shyness for coldness, and silence for indifference. 

Fear (madness) has such strong effects on the human body. it keeps you at a pitch of consentration while danger is in front of you, and then send you into a carefree mode afterwords.

It was the will, perhaps, rather than the power to go on living, that I lacked. The zest had gone out of my life. My life was in decay. 

My heart has no brain 🧠. My brain has no heart ♥. That's why when I speak my mind I seemed heartless and when I do what's in my heart I seem thoughtless.

I promptly abandoned myself. Rather than practising self-care, I relapsed into shame. I was ashamed of feeling ashamed.

 

 

Broken and wounded people absolutely cannot recover until they unload the quilt and shame they carry

It just occurred toe that many people are actually afraid 😨 to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying. 

I lived in defeat and depression. I needed to take advantage of my redemption. I did not needed to struggle. I must have prayed more to God to forgave my heart's attitude.
( The original sentence was written in the present tense)

My life was just one constant battle between wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. Sometimes silence 🤫 is the best therapy for the broken soul. 

I am not listening to people anymore, so they can lie anymore. ( I love that sentence)

The most dangerous person...is an idiot with a bible under his arm....and ironically now I am looking for answers in the bible, now that I am going to Die. I should have taken that this path a long time ago, but no, my ego was to big...pigheadeness, stupid fool.
Looking at all the different  evangelical criteria on the television, I am dumbstruck to see how naive people can be, one of this evengelist (Lamb) guarantee if you give a pledge of one thousand dollars they will send a blessing prayer to you or your company so that you and your company will prosper financially. So, you can buy prosperity through prayer. 

My emotions was buried so deep that they were more of an echo, a memory, a diluted idea of what I should have been feeling, but some wonderful, horrible place in my brain 🧠 protected me from thehe full force. 

All I wanted was to live where I could be me, and be okay with that. I had no need for material possessions,  money or even close friends with me on the journey.  I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seemed to understand me very well either. To be of good quality (in my view), I had to excuse myself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals

The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma. Either way you are going through hell, if you keep it quiet nobody will know ( maybe after you killed yourself), and if you proclaimed it too the world

people will still label you as a.....crazy person. People are so full of shit...
 

To live is to suffer,to find meaning in life is to find meaning in suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. What matters above all is the attitude we take towards suffering, the attitude in which we take our suffering upon ourselves.

Some of our fiercest battles are faught and won in silence.
Below a certain point, if you keep to quiet 🤫, people no longer see you as thoughtful or deep, they simply forget you.
 

I am trying to fix my mind…. how to fix a broken mind.

My emotional health…..

 

Still struggling with this format,  especially the fonts sizes giving me crap, in the editing it is fine, but as soon as I see the posts after editing and the update version everything is then up to sh@t.

There comes a point where you no longer care if there's a light at the tunnel or not. You're are just sick of the tunnel.

When people sustain multiple emotional shock they might become "dead inside". Dead inside basically means when you don't feel any good emotions like empathy, sympathy, love, happiness, joy, and all that good stuff. Persons that  are dead inside often have a blank stare, they rarely if at all smile, they are very truthful and often they dont care about people's emotions, or they dont realize that what they are saying is hurting someone's feelings.

But humanity ( if any) is slowly, albeit painfully slowly, starting to realize that the lot of bad things that happens to us, do not actually happens to us, they are just things that happens. Emotions, thoughts, and feelings. They are what make life so damn hard.

For you cannot create who you are, until you forget who you are.

God

 

14 August 2020

God who does not change, and whose belief in you never ends.

I use God as an excuse to avoid looking for myself…

I have (had) to face hard (duro)truths about myself and my failures. It is(was) not pleasant. The truth hurts ( must hurt, supposed to hurt) and I want to run away from it.( there is nowhere to run to). The only way to get through this is with the help of God.

Death

Sometimes living feels tedious and difficult. There's a common misconception that giving up on life means a person wants to die.

I do not know what it will be like no to be anymore. However, guess what? If I am not around to tell the difference, do I really care? Being dead is only a problem if you know you're dead, which you never do, because you're dead

Because of my sins I was handed over to die. Sin brought death to me.

No one can keep himself from dying or put off the day of his death.

I don’t fear death as much as I fear its prologues:

loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. 

I did not fear death. I stepped in its path, but without really desiring it.

Sometimes the resolution to face death, gives the courage to face life...

Life cannot give itself to you if you do not understand death. You must do more than understand it. You must love it, even as you love life. When you understand that death, too, is an illusion.

Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.

We live in a dynamic universe where life, not death, is the basic principle

Odd, is not that the closer one's get to death the more one understanding the nature of time? It doesn't exist. Not really. It is like a wheel that resolves constantly. What happened twenty years ago is no less clear than what transpired two minutes ago. Moreover, what happened twenty years ago - forty- is just as clear. They are all on the wheel, you see, and it keeps revolving. 

I wish( confirmed) there was a nicer way to say this, but I don’t always want to be alive. Right now, I don’t actively want to kill myself — I don’t have a plan(for now), I have a life that I don't enjoy and I’m not curious about the future — but the fact remains, I don’t always feel strongly about being alive and sometimes, on particularly bad days, I truly want to die.

 

Forgiveness

On every post or page on this blog I will take responsibility for my words, if you feel offended, dont read it.

One of the main believes to adopt in order to heal your life, is a believe in the importance of forgiveness. Forgiveness frees up the energy necessary for healing. Letting go of, for helping you see the present life. “However, there is a curious quirk within the human mind whereby sometimes an individual will not forgive himself”..... and that individual is me.

Don't be afraid to distance yourself from everyone and everything and recoup. Sort out your thoughts. Listen to your heart. Breath. Read a book. Write about how much your life has shucked, then write about how much you can't wait to see the positive changes. Relearn yourself. Accept all the hurt you've been through. Forgive anyone and everyone who's hurt you. Even if it means doing it within, and never physically or verbally reaching out. Let go and juvenayr. Take a step away from the chaos, and find peace within. 

God sal jou nie in die steek laat nie, maar mense sal. Maar laat hulle toe om menslik te wees en vergewe hulle wanneer hul jou teleurstel. Wees hul genadig soos jy hoop ander teenoor jou genadig sal wees. Wees stadig om te vererg en vinnig om te vergewe.(Translation needed)


Don’t be afraid to distance yourself from everyone and everything – and recoup. Sort out your thoughts. Listen to your heart. Breathe. Read a book. Write about how much your life has sucked – then write about how much you can’t wait to see the positive changes. Relearn yourself. Accept all the hurt you’ve been through. Forgive anyone and everyone who’s hurt you. Even if that means doing it within, and never physically or verbally reaching out. Let go and rejuvenate. Take a step away from the chaos, and find peace within

Can't get enough data on my project concerning this keyword forgiveness.

(second picture need to be fitted correctly)

Yet in order not to hate people, I must avoid their company..

(Try it, it works for me)
 

You don't understand depression until you cant stand your own presence in an empty room
(need to go to different page).

As you can see I am still struggling with this format.

Mind is capable of vengeance....not forgiveness.

                                                                                                                                           

We have received so much forgiveness. God expects that we must give so much back also.

God is above and beyond where mind and intellect cannot reach.

I don't want everyone to like me, I should think less of myself if some people did. The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.

life is hard

Life was and still is supposed to be hard, I was placed on this earth to endure life, endure people and all their shit. 50 Years of life.

I you wanted to see arrogance, I say only the best things about myself in an ironic and sarcastic way. If you want to see provocative, then I will simply continue stating my opinions more and more. 

I needed some some kind of orientation for understanding who I was in this life and what I was doing here. 

On every page or (Different) post on this blog I will take responsibility for my words(opinions) , if anyone feel offended, don't read it.



So many words left unspoken.

Some of our fiercest battles are fought and won in silence.

So the notion of never seeing or talking to another person ever again seems not only possible, but preferable 

I never had the need to compete with people, I rather competed with myself. The need was never there to honour people to get honour from them. There was never a favor connection with people. 

I am moving in silence 🤫 within me. Nothing touches me. I am living in the world, but am not from this world. 

You may think that I had a simple and happy life, but I happened to know something of its complexities and sadness….

Before I die,  I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe. 

There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind leave reality behind. 

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that is really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so released. I woke up into a nightmare. 

I can't trust the people I care about not to hurt me. And I am not sure I can trust myself not to hurt them, either. (either way I will get hurt) 

I looked at myself from one perspective and all I saw was weirdness. 

I've got evil in me as much as anyone, some desires that scares me. Even if I don't give into them, just having them scares the shit out of me sometimes. I am no Saint. But I have always walked the line, walked the bloody line. It is a mean hard line, straight and narrow, sharp as a razor, cuts right into you when you walk it long enough. You are always bleeding on that line, and sometimes you wonder why you don't step of and walked in the cool grass. But I have always wanted to be a man I could be proud of. 

We want to end suffering. And we dare not leave it up to God to alleviate suffering. God is waiting for us to do it. That is what we are here for.

On purposes, you must learn to be gentle with yourself. And stop judging yourself. That is hard when others are so ready to judge. 

Family, friends, and loved ones is necessary (debatable) for a happy life. They help you .          ( supposed) to learn about yourself. My friends and family 👪 came into my life and left, that is just the way of life. That doesn't mean they left my heart or my memories. They just showed me that I can exist without them. I can exist alone. It is important to understand, that once something is stored in the subconscious mind, it can't be deleted. It stays. It sticks with you for ever. 


To restore, recover, regained, cure, mending myself to my previous and future self.             (I forgot myself) 

The one thing I had learned from this life of mine is that you make life hard for yourself.

All the circumstances I am currently  ( not for long) entertaining is due to my own selfish stupidity. These so called circumstances I can take them on, no problem, but the people factor is a real pain in the ass. They can't be trusted and that goes for me too.
 
I need to apologize for my behavior and to everybody that I had ....looking for the English word for " benadeel"....disadvantage.

What one wants above all is peace, just quietude for its own sake. If people will only let one be and allow one to go where one wishes, and at one's own pace, that is the crux of the matter. 
 
I believe now that God is disappointing in me and for that I need to repent.

"The good struggle of life"....In fact, for some people struggle is the reward. They are a little lost without it. There is comfort in what you know. They struggle through life sacrificing their own needs and falling to bed exhausted every night. They justify this joyless existence by saying things like, " that is life".

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself. The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

Nothing is more frustrating to get something from someone that they dont have and never will give us.

We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It is a death trap. 

What could I have said about my morality. Was I living in contradiction with the rules and so called regulations that should have sustained a normal life. Did I had control of my life. What was a normal life. Was my life so abnormal to ask such a question. To many questions and not enough answers. 

 
I did not fear death. I stepped in its path, but without really desiring it: how can one desire something one doesn’t know? I didn’t deny life but affirmed my taste for the unknown, betting that if something existed on the other side, it would be better than here


To surrender is not to give up; not at all. It is to go with acceptance and faith to an internal place of peace where the ego and the personal will take a back-seat to a greater picture and a greater power where things happen exactly the way they should and whichever way they turn out will be just perfect.
 

Tug of war

My anti-social ways may have little to do with friendliness or lack of it. Indeed, my attitudes and actions may be self-protective . (Dealing with people on a day to day basis..)

I was scared to live because I was scared to Die. Or maybe so scared of dying that I refused to live. You don't have to be afraid 😨 to fall, when you're already on the ground. You don't have to be scared to lose someone, when there is no one around to lose. 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”


It is wiser to think of detachment as a way of separating oneself from the fears of the mind and viewing your circumstances as an experience through which you are passing rather than as one that controls your physical life.
 
Your life is about your experiences of meaning, and you cannot not be you or be a fake for someone else. Meaning(significance) either exists or does not exist because of you. You are its creator.
 
The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die …. to be cont..


The agony of emotional paralysis, the desperation for an unknown something without the slightest idea of what that might be, and the ever-present need for everything to stop. Beyond stop—to be forgotten entirely. To disappear.

Basically, "dissociation" means lack of connection or connections. So what's a useful definition of dissociation for people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?

Psychopath:- a person suffering from chronic mental disorder especially with aggressive antisocial behavior and an absence of feelings of quilt about the behavior, a mentally or emotionally unstable person. The sentence is the only characteristics I could find to confirm my psychopathic tendencies in my personality, the mental disorder part I do not agree with…. or do I. Mental disorder is just another term for your brain is in disorder; disorder means you can get order again in your brain, but how do you do it?

This is the great lesson of life: you get what you ask for. If you want to disappear, you got it. The pain of every day makes me see the world in a different way. Pain has made me dead inside and, if I’m not dead already, I’m certainly dying. When you have had to focus on the pain for so long, it steals your ability to feel anything else. It robs you of reason and logic.

.
God sal jou nie in die steek laat nie, maar mense sal.(translation needed)
 

Dread is a feeling of fear, but it can also be the desire to avoid something. Avoid life.

By not trusting people, I will be a much more logical decision maker. A lot of times trust can cloud logic which can in turn leads to poor choices. To be too trusting is to be naïve and to be naïve is deadly. 

Being invincible, and having the feeling og invincibility is exactly what you need to triumph over obstacles and achieve more of your goals and aspirations and begin to move your life in the direction you wish... So much of what happens in life is actually a result of your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. But yes, I do believe it is very dangerous as well... double edge sword. 

Walking on thin ice to get through these last days...