life is hard

Life was and still is supposed to be hard, I was placed on this earth to endure life, endure people and all their shit. 50 Years of life.

I you wanted to see arrogance, I say only the best things about myself in an ironic and sarcastic way. If you want to see provocative, then I will simply continue stating my opinions more and more. 

I needed some some kind of orientation for understanding who I was in this life and what I was doing here. 

On every page or (Different) post on this blog I will take responsibility for my words(opinions) , if anyone feel offended, don't read it.



So many words left unspoken.

Some of our fiercest battles are fought and won in silence.

So the notion of never seeing or talking to another person ever again seems not only possible, but preferable 

I never had the need to compete with people, I rather competed with myself. The need was never there to honour people to get honour from them. There was never a favor connection with people. 

I am moving in silence 🤫 within me. Nothing touches me. I am living in the world, but am not from this world. 

You may think that I had a simple and happy life, but I happened to know something of its complexities and sadness….

Before I die,  I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe. 

There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind leave reality behind. 

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that is really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so released. I woke up into a nightmare. 

I can't trust the people I care about not to hurt me. And I am not sure I can trust myself not to hurt them, either. (either way I will get hurt) 

I looked at myself from one perspective and all I saw was weirdness. 

I've got evil in me as much as anyone, some desires that scares me. Even if I don't give into them, just having them scares the shit out of me sometimes. I am no Saint. But I have always walked the line, walked the bloody line. It is a mean hard line, straight and narrow, sharp as a razor, cuts right into you when you walk it long enough. You are always bleeding on that line, and sometimes you wonder why you don't step of and walked in the cool grass. But I have always wanted to be a man I could be proud of. 

We want to end suffering. And we dare not leave it up to God to alleviate suffering. God is waiting for us to do it. That is what we are here for.

On purposes, you must learn to be gentle with yourself. And stop judging yourself. That is hard when others are so ready to judge. 

Family, friends, and loved ones is necessary (debatable) for a happy life. They help you .          ( supposed) to learn about yourself. My friends and family 👪 came into my life and left, that is just the way of life. That doesn't mean they left my heart or my memories. They just showed me that I can exist without them. I can exist alone. It is important to understand, that once something is stored in the subconscious mind, it can't be deleted. It stays. It sticks with you for ever. 


To restore, recover, regained, cure, mending myself to my previous and future self.             (I forgot myself) 

The one thing I had learned from this life of mine is that you make life hard for yourself.

All the circumstances I am currently  ( not for long) entertaining is due to my own selfish stupidity. These so called circumstances I can take them on, no problem, but the people factor is a real pain in the ass. They can't be trusted and that goes for me too.
 
I need to apologize for my behavior and to everybody that I had ....looking for the English word for " benadeel"....disadvantage.

What one wants above all is peace, just quietude for its own sake. If people will only let one be and allow one to go where one wishes, and at one's own pace, that is the crux of the matter. 
 
I believe now that God is disappointing in me and for that I need to repent.

"The good struggle of life"....In fact, for some people struggle is the reward. They are a little lost without it. There is comfort in what you know. They struggle through life sacrificing their own needs and falling to bed exhausted every night. They justify this joyless existence by saying things like, " that is life".

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself. The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

Nothing is more frustrating to get something from someone that they dont have and never will give us.

We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It is a death trap. 

What could I have said about my morality. Was I living in contradiction with the rules and so called regulations that should have sustained a normal life. Did I had control of my life. What was a normal life. Was my life so abnormal to ask such a question. To many questions and not enough answers. 

 
I did not fear death. I stepped in its path, but without really desiring it: how can one desire something one doesn’t know? I didn’t deny life but affirmed my taste for the unknown, betting that if something existed on the other side, it would be better than here


To surrender is not to give up; not at all. It is to go with acceptance and faith to an internal place of peace where the ego and the personal will take a back-seat to a greater picture and a greater power where things happen exactly the way they should and whichever way they turn out will be just perfect.
 

Tug of war

My anti-social ways may have little to do with friendliness or lack of it. Indeed, my attitudes and actions may be self-protective . (Dealing with people on a day to day basis..)

I was scared to live because I was scared to Die. Or maybe so scared of dying that I refused to live. You don't have to be afraid 😨 to fall, when you're already on the ground. You don't have to be scared to lose someone, when there is no one around to lose. 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”


It is wiser to think of detachment as a way of separating oneself from the fears of the mind and viewing your circumstances as an experience through which you are passing rather than as one that controls your physical life.
 
Your life is about your experiences of meaning, and you cannot not be you or be a fake for someone else. Meaning(significance) either exists or does not exist because of you. You are its creator.
 
The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die …. to be cont..


The agony of emotional paralysis, the desperation for an unknown something without the slightest idea of what that might be, and the ever-present need for everything to stop. Beyond stop—to be forgotten entirely. To disappear.

Basically, "dissociation" means lack of connection or connections. So what's a useful definition of dissociation for people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?

Psychopath:- a person suffering from chronic mental disorder especially with aggressive antisocial behavior and an absence of feelings of quilt about the behavior, a mentally or emotionally unstable person. The sentence is the only characteristics I could find to confirm my psychopathic tendencies in my personality, the mental disorder part I do not agree with…. or do I. Mental disorder is just another term for your brain is in disorder; disorder means you can get order again in your brain, but how do you do it?

This is the great lesson of life: you get what you ask for. If you want to disappear, you got it. The pain of every day makes me see the world in a different way. Pain has made me dead inside and, if I’m not dead already, I’m certainly dying. When you have had to focus on the pain for so long, it steals your ability to feel anything else. It robs you of reason and logic.

.
God sal jou nie in die steek laat nie, maar mense sal.(translation needed)
 

Dread is a feeling of fear, but it can also be the desire to avoid something. Avoid life.

By not trusting people, I will be a much more logical decision maker. A lot of times trust can cloud logic which can in turn leads to poor choices. To be too trusting is to be naïve and to be naïve is deadly. 

Being invincible, and having the feeling og invincibility is exactly what you need to triumph over obstacles and achieve more of your goals and aspirations and begin to move your life in the direction you wish... So much of what happens in life is actually a result of your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. But yes, I do believe it is very dangerous as well... double edge sword. 

Walking on thin ice to get through these last days...